blaar

1.

I want you to remember this.

I want you to remember how this felt when you sat nested in your large black coat, drunk and tired staring at the empty branches across the road that cracked and split the sky.

I want you to remember your insides.

I want you to remember how you rocked back and forth and how you told yourself "This is hard, this is hard, this is so hard."

I want you to remember how half of you felt like it peeled off the same way the bright leaves of summer trees did.

You should know that you cried as you wrote this, you listened to Into Dust by Mazzie Star and you tried to drain yourself of every tear that was left in you.

I want you to know how fucking lonely you felt and how helpless.

2

It is 12 months from now, I am seeing my grandfather without his shirt for the first time, they have attached him to an array of wires and tubes, numbers on screens that do not make sense to me surround him.

It is 11 months from now, I am speaking to Darren in Havana and talking with him, asking him when he is due to start working where I do.

It is New Years Day, I am sat in a hotel lobby with Vicky, Jade and Darren, we are drunk and drinking tea, I insist on going home but I stay. Earlier I had asked Darren what Vicky's story was.

It is January, I am at the beach staring out at wind turbines, it is late in the evening.

It is 5 weeks ago I am sitting in my room, and I am crying over her for the first time.

now February, she will tell me how she feels in ways that I will not be able to comprehend, we will kiss for the first time.

We will agree that it is weird. We will not stop.

March and we make love for the first time, she tells me how comfortable she is with me. I feel the same.

It is a month from now and I am telling her I will never speak to her again, she is crying.

It is May and we are in London, we are lost.

we are in Norwich walking around with neon sunglasses. I fall in love with her.

It is September we are sitting on the train she is giving me my birthday gifts, I know she is leaving soon.

It is yesterday I am rocking back and forth on a wall telling myself how hard this feels.